2004

Week 13 Playoff Picture

Well, it’s the final week in our new 13 week season.  Call me a wimp – call me lazy – call me clinched – basically just call me full of turkey (yum yum) but I skipped looking at the picture last week.  It was still pretty muddy anyway.  Let’s skip straight to week 13 where it’s playoff time…

Let’s start at a spot that’s near and dear to my heart – the top.  The Juggernauts have clinched all that there is to clinch, including home field advantage throughout the playoffs.  Tom’s Cossacks have put together another solid season and are going to the playoffs.  The Battling Beagles have come on strong of late (averaging 100 points over their last 5 games!) and have clinched a wild card berth as well.

In the Dips with Chips division, it’s still a free-for-all with everything coming down to the final game.  Both Teacher’s Pets and Iron Chefs ride winning streaks into week 13 tied atop the division.  Having split head to head, the Pets hold the tie-breaker with their 7-1 division record so a win over the streaking Juggernauts or a Chefs loss clinches the first round bye.  So the Chefs have to win over Jim’s In Too Deep in a huge game for both teams (see next paragraph).  Win or lose, however, both teams are headed to the playoffs.

Jim, on the other hand, is looking for some help.  He can still make the playoffs (albeit with a losing record) but will have to start with a win against the Iron Chefs.  A loss eliminates him.  He’ll also need a loss from the Rumrunners who are visiting Nick’s Crimson Tide, who can try to salvage their season with a spoiler win.  A Rumrunner victory, however, makes them playoff bound.

So that’s it – 5 of the 6 teams are set.  But a first round bye and the final spot will be decided this last week.

2003

Week 14 Playoff Picture

Well, things have started to fall into place going into week 14 this year.  Let’s get right into it.

The 2 best records in the league belong to the 2 women.  That’s right – we’re all being beaten by a couple of girls.  J  They have both clinched a playoff spot and will have the home field edge throughout the playoffs (important in case of a tie).  If Lisa wins or if Bethany loses, Lisa is the #1 seed and plays Bethany as the wildcard; if she loses and Bethany wins, it’s vice versa.  This will be the key match-up of the playoffs as one of the 2 best teams in the league is guaranteed to not make it to the Big Ass Bowl.

The winner of the Beer Nuts division will play the winner of the Spuds & Suds in round 1.  If Nick wins or if Jason beats Two Badd, Nick is in.  However, Christmas came early for Two Badd as Li’l Red ended his 10 game losing streak just in time to help out the Badd guys.  If he can rise up again and beat Nick along with Two Badd beating my Juggernauts, both will be 7-7 and Two Badd will hold the tiebreaker and will be in the playoffs.  A real Cincinnati story in the making…  If Tom wins or Rich loses, Tom goes, but if Rich can win and have Dave beat Tom, Rich is in.  Tom has the edge for home field in round 1 with his tie.

That’s it – Jason’s Juggernauts, Li’l Red’s Rockers, The Battling Beagles, Herman’s Heroes, Phantom Football, and In Too Deep are just playing spoiler and looking ahead to the Sandbagger Bowl.

2002

Week 14 Playoff Picture

OK, now it’s money time (literally).

Here’s the playoff picture going in to Week 14…

As weird as it is, no one has been eliminated since I last prognosticated before week 12.  So there’s still a lot up in the air.  Let’s start with what we know:

* Tom has clinched the Spuds & Suds division.  But not home field.  Well, almost.  If he wins, he’s the high seed in the playoffs.  Likewise if Nick loses.
* Jim has clinched the Dips with Chips division.  He can’t get home field.
* Nick has clinched a playoff spot.  Let’s start with his Crimson Tide.

Nick and Joe control their destiny.  If Nick wins the Battle Royale with Li’l Red, he wins the Beer Nuts division.  If Tom also loses, Nick also gets home field since he won the head to head.  However, if he loses to Joe, Joe wins the division based on the head to head tiebreaker.  Since Nick would then be 9-5, that’s good enough for the wildcard.  So, if Joe wins, he wins the Beer Nuts division.  Nick becomes the wildcard.  Got it?  Now it gets interesting…

If Nick wins, that means that the wildcard goes nuts…

If Lisa loses and Rich wins, Joe is the wildcard based on head to head with Rich.
If Lisa loses and Randy wins, Randy is the wildcard based on head to head with Joe.
If Lisa wins and Randy wins, Randy is still the wildcard as he is 2-0 vs. Joe and Lisa.
If Lisa wins and Rich wins, well, I’m still working on that scenario, cause now we’re down to the 3^rd level tiebreaker for a 3 way wildcard battle.  I’ll let you know who advances if we get that far.

As a side note: If Nick and Joe tie, Nick’s better record prevails, but Joe becomes the wildcard.  If Randy and Rich tie, neither can be the wildcard.  But if they tie, and Lisa wins, and Joe loses, Lisa becomes the wildcard based on her head to head win over the Rockers.

So that’s it.  In summary:
Tom’s in.  Jim’s in.  Nick’s in. 
Joe (Rockers) controls his own destiny.  If he wins, he’s in.
If Joe loses, and Randy wins, he’s in.
If Joe loses and Rich wins, well, we’re not that far yet.
Everything else is a bit of a stretch…

Week 12 Outlook by Herman the Hero

 I’m not a sports handicapper and I don’t play even one on TV, but I think I’ve put together a comprehensive analysis of the CPFFL and each team’s current situation.  This information is probably not correct and, as such, you should not pay much attention to it.

            C       = A major contender, could go all the way.  The “elite” of the league?

M         = Watch out! These guys are dangerous and threatening!

D       = Stick a fork in ‘em, they’re done.
 

Team-By-Team Outlook

D Two Bad  (2-9)
 

ü       Outlook:  As the “Cincinnati” of the CPFFL, Too Bad is already out of the playoff picture.  The good news is that they’ve got 3 games left against teams with a combined 13-19 record.  If they want to salvage the end of the season on a positive note they’ve got to beat the Rockers, who they lost to in week 2 (87-31), the Assassins, who they lost to in week 11 (61-53) and the Juggies, who they actually beat in week 1 (54-48). That was back when the season seemed so promising.  Is it possible?  Can they pull out a 3-game winning streak?  Don’t count on it, but the Duce team could possibly spoil the Wild Card hunt for the Rockers.

ü       Playoff Chances:  Gone

ü       Key Players:  Nobody.

C Tom’s Cossacks (9-2)
 

ü       Outlook:  The Cossacks have rolled over nearly everybody this year.  Their only losses have come at the hands of the Rummies (7-4) and the Tide (8-3) both top teams.  The next 3 games look to be tough with the Rummies coming back for a second win and the Heroes (7-4) hoping to avenge an 83-72 loss from week 6.  The Beagles (3-8) finish off the Cossack schedule in a possible spoiler game, but it should have little meaning.  Cossack opponents have a combined record of 17-16.  While it doesn’t look like much, remember that half of those losing games are from the Beagles.  Pull out the Puppies and opponents have a 15-7 record.   The Cossacks are the team to beat in the Spuds Division.  Can it be done?  The Rummers and Heroes sure hope so.

ü       Playoff Chances:  Leader of the pack

ü       Key Players:
Brooks, QB (NO) – He faces Cleveland, Tampa and Baltimore.  Good chance to generate some big numbers  against the Browns and Ravens.
Williams, RB, (MIA) – Williams faces San Diego, Buffalo and Chicago.  With Fiedler back at QB, Williams looks to add significantly to his stats in the next 3 games.

D The Assassins (3-8)
 

ü       Outlook:  The Assassins have had a tough time as CPFFL rookies.  But, as we all know, this ain’t your father’s fantasy football league!  Joe’s team has been plagued by bad lineup decisions and miscommunications.  In the next 3 games they play the Ball Busters (3-8), the Pets (6-5) and In Too Deep (7-4).  Not a bad lineup for picking up a couple more wins before the end of the season.  With a combined 16-17 his opposition is under .500, and even without the Ball B’s record the opponents are still only 13-9.  The Assassins  beat the Busters in week 2 (82-51) and lost a close one to the Pets in week 5 (81-73).  However, they were totally annihilated in Week 7 by In 2 Deep (94-20). 

ü       Playoff Chances:  Spoiler.  With playoff chances long gone the Ass boys can only hope to screw up the Pets run at a chance to repeat as League Champion.

ü       Key Players:
Warner, QB (SL) – With Warner coming back from injury the question is whether he can pick where Bulger left off.  If so, he only gets one easy game against Washington before facing Philly and KC.

M Lil’ Red’s Rockers (7-4)
 

ü       Outlook:  As “2001 Rookie of The Year”, the Rockers are looking to repeat in 2002 as money winners.  They’re just behind the Rising Tide and threatening.  Heading into their final games with a 2-game winning streak, the Rockers could possibly take the division outright or take the Wildcard.  Their next three opponents have a combined record of only 14-19 [Two Bad (2-9), Juggs (4-7) and Nick (8-3)].  The Tide accounts for 60% of the win total, so the final road for the Rockers shouldn’t prove too tough.  In previous action against these 3 teams the Rockheads came out 2-1 with a win over the Two Crew in week 2 (87-31), a BIG win over the Tide in week 5 (102-84) and a loss to the Juggs in week 6 (92-56).  Lil’ Red has his destiny in his hands and could really shake things up in the Beer Nuts division if he keeps winning. 

ü       Playoff Chances:  Good chance at Wildcard.  Dare they say Division Champ?  Hopes Heroes and Rumrunners falter.  Should the Tide be quaking in their boots?

ü       Key Players:
Bledsoe, QB (BU) – The new Buffalo Boy plays the Jets, Miami and has another rematch against his old team, New England.  Could be something!
Couch, QB (CL) – After the Cinci game, could the Rockers bench Bledsoe for “the Duce”?
All his wide receivers – Booker, Johnson, Moulds, Moss – all could be threats.

M Rich’s Rumrunners (7-4)
 

ü       Outlook:  Even though the Rummies appear 2^nd in the standings for the Spuds Division, the Heroes hold the tiebreakers at this point.  But that doesn’t mean the Heroes hold sway over that position.  The Rumrunner defense has allowed a league low 604 points, 35 points better than any other team!  With a 2-game win streak going, the Rummers have momentum going into the next three games.  However, their next three opponents are a deceiving combined 17-16.  Game one is against the Cossacks with a league leading record of 9-2.  But, watch out, the Rummers beat the Cossacks in week 2 in a close game (58-53).  Their next game is against the Hemroids with the same record as the Rummers at 7-4.  The problem here is that the Rummies lost to the Heroes in week 1 in another close game (62-57).  Could be a battle of Wildcard “wanna be’s”.  Can the Runners run the table? It’s possible.  Is it likely?  Only time can tell, these are too close to call.

ü       Playoff Chances:  Battling for Wildcard.  Win over Heroes and losses by Rockers would cinch the deal.

ü       Key Players:
Running Backs – While they might not seem like much too look at, this crew could really rack up some points if they get on track.
Burress WR (Pitt) – If Maddox can get back in the game; Burress has a good chance of scoring big.  With easy games against Cinci, Jacksonville, and Houston the Pittsburgh passing game could really generate some fantasy points.

D Ball Busters (3-8)
 

ü       Outlook:  On paper this team looks like it should have been on top of the CPFFL.  Brady, McNabb, James, Bruce, Randle-El, and Schroeder are just some of the names that seemed like they should have combined to generate big points.  But, as the saying goes, “Life’s a bitch and then you die.”  Only two teams in the league have scored fewer points that the Buster Babes (606): the Assassins (563) and Two Bad (558) and only 4 teams have allowed more points to be scored against them.  It all adds up to a team that was hopeful when the season started, but those hopes dissolved when the team started out 0-2 and then went 1-7 before winning again.  But, they’re 2-1 in their last 3 games, maybe a positive sign of things to come?  Their next 3 games are against The Assassins (3-8), the Pets (6-5) and In Way Too Deep (7-4).  It’s a tough lineup considering that out of those three they’ve only beaten the Assassins.  Could they continue their recent winning ways and shake up the Dips Division, doubtful.  But, hey, anything’s possible.

ü       Playoff Chances:  All gone.  But they can mess things up for Pets or In 2 Deep.

ü       Key Players:
Brady QB (NE) – With the Pats playing Minnesota, Detroit and Buffalo QB Brady could “rack ‘em up”
James RB (IN) – Plagued with injuries, will he be ready?
Bruce WR (SL) – Warner’s return could spell victory for the rams (or defeat?)

C Crimson Tide (8-3)
 

ü       Outlook:  The Tide has washed over the Spuds division racking up 3 wins in a row leading into the year end stretch.  In past years “Nick ‘da Greek” has been pretty mouthy, but this year he’s backing it up on the field.  The Water Boys have scored a whopping 824 points through Week 11, more than any other team.  And, to top it off, their final 3 games are “almost” push-overs.  This week they battle Jason’s Juggies (4-7) with Jason looking to mess up Nick’s plans at the Division title.  Then there’s a week “off” with a game against Really Badd (2-9).  In the final week leading into the playoffs the Rocker’s come to the Tidy Bowl for a rematch.  Nick’s hoping to avenge his 102-84 loss to the Rock in week 5.  The Tide control their own destiny.  They lead the division and winning will only solidify their place in the playoffs.  Can anybody catch them?  If Nick only wins 2 games and the Rockers win all 3, the Rockers will have the tie-breaker and a division title.  Watch out!

ü       Playoff Chances:  Things are looking good.  Hopefully the Rockers are at a concert or something.

ü       Key Players:
Holmes RB (KC) – If this guy keeps running the way he has, who knows how many fantasy points he’ll score.  With games against Seattle and Arizona the next two weeks he could score big.  Watch out in Week 14, he meets the Rams.
Ward, WR (Pitt) – If Maddox can get back in the game and easy games against Cinci, Jacksonville, and Houston the Pittsburgh passing game could really generate some major fantasy points.

M Herman’s Heroes (7-4)
 

ü       Outlook:  The Heroes have struggled of late and they suffered a disappointing loss last week to the Tide, only scoring 55 points.  They started out tough, but injuries to nearly every skilled player on the team stalled this potentially dangerous team.  In fact, the Heroes are one of only 2 teams with a winning record that has actually scored less than their opponents.  The next three games are no picnic either with the Beagles (3-8), Tommy’s boys (9-2) and Richies Rummies (7-4) bringing it on.  In week 1 the Heroes defeated the Rumrunners 62-57 and in week 4 they leashed up those pesky puppies 81-53.  But, they lost to the Cossacks by 11 points in week 6 83-72.  Desperate stabs at picking up somebody on the waiver wire have only brought a few more “stiffs” to the team. 

ü       Playoff Chances:  The Heroes hold all the “tiebreaker” cards.  They’ve beaten the Rockers, and the Rummers, two other teams sharing a 7-4 record.  If they keep winning, the playoffs are in sight. 

ü       Key Players:
Favre, QB (GB) – He’s having an all-star season, but is the wear and tear starting to slow him down?  Except for the game at Tampa, the rest of the season (Chicago and Minnesota) shouldn’t be to much trouble.
McCallister, RB (NO) – This week’s game against Cleveland should be a big game for Duce, if he plays.  Tampa could be tough, but Baltimore should be a good scoring opportunity.
Rice, WR, (OK) – This old man (he’s almost my age!) is truly amazing.  He’s a threat anytime
Stallworth, WR, NO – Doesn’t get much yardage, but seems to always score at the last minute.

C In Too Deep (7-4)
 

ü       Outlook:  Even though their record is the same as 3 other teams, the sit atop this weak division.  Not that the Deep Ones are weak themselves, quite the contrary.  They’ve racked up 803 points, 3^rd highest in the league and they beat both the Heroes (7-4) and the Crimson Tide (8-3), both playoff contenders.  Deep’s opponents in the next 3 games have a combined record of only 12-21 (Pets at 6-5, Busters at 3-8, and Assassins at 3-8).  This presents the opportunity to win 3 and take a 5-game win streak into the playoffs.  Will they be beaten, it’s doubtful, although the Pets are threatening.  Now if he can only spell his players names correctly…

ü       Playoff Chances:  Very good.  Only threat is the Pets and they’ve got an easy final schedule, too!

ü       Key Players:
Gannon, QB, (OK) – With games coming up at Arizona, NY Jets, and San Diego Gannon could keep his high-flying offense in the air.  Who cares about the running game!
Faulk, RB (SL) – Will he be healthy enough to be useful? 

D Jason’s Juggerauts (4-7)
 

ü       Outlook:  The Jugger-nots have been plagued by a League-wide conspiracy to thwart their efforts to win.  The Commissioners (paid off lackey’s, no doubt) have repeatedly caused this team major headaches.   Nonetheless, injuries at the QB position and elsewhere have also help prevent the Juggs from chalking up wins.  Their next two games against The Tide (8-3) and the Rockers (7-4) won’t be easy, both teams want to win bad.  The Juggs only gets a break in the season finale against 2 Badd (2-9).  With Warner returning at St. Louis, the Juggs could find themselves without a QB.  Unless Jason manipulates the computer scoring, his team can only look to mess with the Rockers chance at a title or Wildcard.

ü       Playoff Chances:  None.  But they can try to mess up somebody else’s life.

ü       Key Players:  Doesn’t matter, there’s nobody to throw the ball.

D The Battling Beagles (3-8)
 

ü       Outlook:  The Puppies have really struggled this year.  This past League Champion is obviously in a rebuilding year.  They may have done well, but their star QB (Kordell) was benched and now his replacement is off in wonderland for a while.  Draft day gambles (trading away the #1 pick, Duckett, Anderson, too much beer) have all fizzled.  With games against the Heroes (7-4), Rummers (7-4) and the Cossacks (9-2) this team is in for some real trouble.  That’s a combined 23-10 record for the upcoming opponents!  Doesn’t look good, Dave!  Can Kordell bring this team back for a year-end run?  Who knows.  Oh, who am I kidding, this team has a snowballs chance in hell of finishing strong.  (Sorry Dave).

ü       Playoff Chances:  Bleak.  The Beagles should begin planning for the 2003 draft.

ü       Key Players: 
Vick, QB, (AT) – Doesn’t matter who he’s playing, he can’t carry the whole team.

M Teacher’s Pets (6-5)
 

ü       Outlook:  The pets are the only team with a 6-5 record and they’re one of two winning teams that have allowed more points (777) than they’ve scored (737).  Last year’s League Champ had injury problems with her running backs and her number 3 draft pick (Tim Brown) hasn’t panned out either.  Still, the Pets are only one game back in the Dips division.  And wins against all three division opponents have provided a ray of hope as the team heads into the stretch.  The TP’s face Division Leader 2 Deep (7-4) (86-77 week 4 losers), Ball Busters (3-8) (82-55 losers in week 6) and last place Assassins (3-8) (81-73 losers in week 5).  If history is any indication of things to come, this team could spell trouble in the Dips division.

ü       Playoff Chances:  The Pets are only 1 game back in the division and are threatening.  They’ve lost a little momentum with 2 consecutive losses, but if I were Too Deep, I wouldn’t be ordering the champagne yet.

ü       Key Players:
Bettis, RB (PT) – If the Bus can get out of the repair barn, Pittsburgh’s easy schedule against Cinci, Jacksonville, and Houston could allow him to score big!

Week 12 Playoff Picture

There is no short version at this point, so I’ll just dive right in…

There are now 5 teams eliminated from the 2002 playoffs:  Two Badd, The Assassins, Ball Busters, The Battling Beagles, and my own Juggernauts.

If the playoffs started today, Nick, Tom, and Jim would win their divisions, and Randy would be the wildcard.  These teams are in the best shape.

Of those, Tom’s 2 game lead over just about everybody gives him an edge both in his division and for the wildcard.  Nick shares the same with his 8-3 record.  3 second place 7-4 teams keep things interesting, and Lisa is certainly in the mix at 6-5.

For Lisa, her best bet is to win the Dips Division.  To do this she had better beat Jim this week, in what is probably week 12’s biggest game.  That would leave them both at 7-5, but the Pets would have swept the season series.  Then it’s just a matter of who can beat up on the 3-8 cellar dwellers.  Jim obviously needs to keep this from happening.  A Deep loss keeps it close; a Deep win provides a 2 game lead with 2 games left.  At that point the head Teach would need some serious help from that same cellar.

Nick and Joe are in largely the same situation, as Nick has a 1 game lead but lost the first head to head meeting with the Rockers.  So 3 Li’l wins gives them the division.  However, if Nick doesn’t win the Beer Nuts, he’s a head up on the wildcard race at 8-3.  On top of that, he’s red-hot with 5 straight wins.  But will that be enough with the very tough Spuds division boasting 3 teams poised for the playoffs…

But only 2 can get in.  So winning is extra important here since all 3 play each other.  Tom needs 2 wins to clinch a playoff spot.  With his loss to Nick in week 8, one won’t do it.  2 games back, Rich and Randy need some help to win the division.  Randy, however controls the wildcard at the moment with some tiebreaking head-to-head wins.  He’ll have to keep winning to keep that advantage.  Rich needs to win as well as a little help to sneak in.

Ironically, things will only be marginally clearer next week.  With the chaff eliminated early this year, it leaves a lot of top-heavy teams to battle it out amongst themselves; and with 3 division tilts left, that’s exactly what will happen.

Week 12 outlook:

The Ball Busters and Assassins take over the meaningless game of the week.

Jim and Lisa, however, are this week’s Battle Royale.

Randy needs to keep from faltering against the 3-8 Beagles.

Rich needs a big win against some hot Cossacks, but he already handed Tom one of his 2 losses.

Nick gets the Juggernauts and Joe gets the Twosters.  This is a replay of week 2, but there is a little more on the line this time.

Week 11 Playoff Picture

Week 4

      WELL, WELL, WELL!  The Bird is back for another call.  He has been
flying high this week, as the hides of the men wearing brown received a nice
tan this past weekend after the mighty men of black and gold opened up a
proverbial can on them.  Okay, well maybe that comment was purposely to
agitate all fans of the team from Cleve-Burgh.  To be fair, Jay Bird will say
to those fans out there that their team played a nice game, and November 3rd
should be another nail-biter.  Happy now?  Time to digress, and move on to
the way it was in this past week in the CPFFL.
       The quarterback situation in the National Football League has been the
biggest story, which brings us to the ASSassins and the Beagles.  We'll start
off with the Ass-men, who have lost their main man, Kurt Warner for the year.
 Thankfully, they have a reliable backup in Brad Johnson.  So, they should be
okay until week ten, when their only quarterback will have a bye week.  Next
is the Beagles.  Oh, those poor, poor puppies.  With Kordell being benched
this weekend and Vinny's career possibly over due to Chad Pennington getting
the nod this weekend, they are left empty at QB.  The bright side for the
Beagles is that they have a few good RB's.  Rumor has it, a certain team
(which is comprised of 5/18 players from Cleveland, by the way) is looking to
trade Joey Harrington for a starting RB.  UPDATE!  As this is being written,
it has just come over the news wire that the Beagles have traded for Michael
Vick.  Nice move.  Now it's only a matter of time before Vick starts playing
a pathetic game and is benched, just like Kordell and Vinny.  I'm telling you
folks.  This team is plagued by a QB curse.
       Speaking of curses, how about the artists formerly known as Double
Trouble?  With the exception of Edgerrin James, their list of previous first
round draft picks have either been A; Injured by week 2 of the regular season
or B; Busts.  This year has been no different, with the perennially reliable
Curtis Martin having been slowed by an ankle sprain.  Ahh... can't buy a
break...
       As far as the rest of the league goes, there isn't much to say.  Every
team now officially has a win, and the Beer Nuts and Spuds and Suds divisions
are identical.  Thus far, In Too Deep owns the Dips With Chips division, and
the Bird doesn't see that coming to an end anytime soon.  Anyhow, his nest
calls, so Jay Bird leaves you with one profound thought: If love is blind,
how can one believe in love in first sight? 
 
Until next week, this has been this week's Call of the Bird.

Week 3

Here's some commentary going into week 4...

       WELL, WELL, WELL!  We're entering the fourth week of the season, but
still no jibber-jabber.  It looks as though the once VICIOUS beagle has been
tamed, someone shoved a cracker down Polly the Parrot's throat, and maybe,
just MAYBE, someone has made Uncle Vito say, well, "Uncle."  Sad?  Maybe, but
there's no need to fear, because there's a NEW sheriff in town!  Ladies and
gentlemen, I introduce to you the one, the ONLY... JAY BIRD!  Yes, that's
right.  The man, the myth, the legend himself will be delivering his
ever-powerful and always-moving words of wisdom to you, his fellow CPFFL
comrades.
       Thus far, JB hasn't been too surprised with the way the season has
gone.  In the Beer Nuts Division, the Tide is rolling and the Rockers are
jammin', while the 'Nauts are tied with the Badd guys for second place in the
division (which at this point is synonymous with last place, but let's allow
Two Badd to taste the glory of being second for once).
       In the Spuds and Suds Division, there is a three-way tie for the top
spot with the 'Sacks, Herm's Browns, and Rich's Beerbellies while the last
place Beagles are being treated like... dogs.
       This brings us to the Dips With Chips Division, where the Deepies hold
sole position of first, while the only balls the Busters have busted are
those of the Beagle.  The newcomers of the league, the aptly named ASSassins
have put up some nice numbers so far, with the exception of their league-low
33 points in Week 3.  Now, here is the only big surprise so far.  What is
going on with our defending champions, the Teacher's Pets?   JB looks no
further than a weak receiving corps.  However, the year is still young and
that receiving corps just may step up and deliver some nice numbers for the
champs (A.K.A. Maybe Kevin Johnson's play will begin to represent his
contract numbers instead of letting Dennis Northcutt make all the money for
him). 
       In any event, Jay Bird will not offer any outlook this week, as his
nest calls him.  He looks forward; however, to bringing you more nonsense
from his always-open beak.  He will leave you now with an off-topic,
thought-provoking question:

Why is a procrastinator's work never finished?


Until next time, this has been this week's Call of the Bird.
 

2002

Week 10

Greetings fellow CPFFL players

    Uncle Vito has returned, much to the dismay of, well, probably all of
you.  I needed a couple of weeks off, but I have returned.  It was tough
trying to watch my Yankees and write this commentary at the same time, but
since the World Series has ended, and I'm over the embarassment of losing to
the 2 biggest idiots to ever play fantasy football, I can resume writing. 
I'm sure that none of you missed me, let alone noticed that I was gone. 
Anyways, back to doing what I do best.  Here are my picks for week 10. 

Jason's Juggs (-6) vs. Melvin's Heroes
Jason looking to stay close in tough Beer Nuts division

*****Game of the week*****
Nick's Crimson Tide (-1) vs. The Beagles
Possibly the game of the year.  One week of office bragging rights (and a
lunch) ride on this one.

Li'l Red's Rockers (+9) vs. Don't count me out yet Buttstains
Gary needs to win this one against the surprising Rockets.

Two Sorry Ass Bad Terrible (+56) vs. Ball Busters
The easiest game Beth will have all year.

Rich's Sorry Ass Rumrunners (+6) vs. Into The Deep
Rich tries to recover from thrashing at the hands of the Tide

Tom's Cosshacks (-3) vs. Teacher's Pets
Almost made game of the week.  Lisa playing better than anyone right now,
tries to stay hot.

    That's all for this week.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!!!

Week 6

Greetings fellow CPFFL players

        Uncle Vito is back yet again, much to the dismay of, well, pretty
much everyone.  But until you people can come up with somehting better, I
guess I'll just do it all by myself.  We're almost at the half-way point of
this season already.  It's just flying along again.  Taking a look at things
so far, there are no real surprises, at least the way I see it.  Some people
are doing well like normal, some people are doing poorly like normal, and
some people are still bitching about scoring the most points and still having
a crappy record.  But, enough of that.  Here are my picks for week 6.

*****Game of the Week*****
The One and Only Crimson Tide (-2) vs In Too Deep
Possibly no Marshall Faulk for Jim means the Tide has a chance.

Jason's Juggs (-6) vs. Little Red's Rockets
Hopefully, this one ends in a tie.

Teacher's Pets (-2) vs. Overrated Ball Busters
First of two all female matchups for the year.

Rich's Slumping Rumrunners (+9) vs. Gary Lombardi's Butt-Stains
Matchup of two teams that should have a better record.

*****Crap Matchup of the Week*****
Two Badd Horrible (who cares?) vs. I think Kordell is awesome Beagles
Quite possibly the worst matchup of the year.

*****Mismatch of the Week*****
Tom and his Cossacks (-22) vs. Colonel Clink's Heroes
Tom wins this one in a rout. 

    And that does it for this week.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!

Week 5

Greetings fellow CPFFL players


    A much happier Uncle Vito here, fully recovered from Extra Point Gate. 
It appears some of us were bitten by the idiot bug last week.  Rich & I
forgot to turn in a lineup, Dave started a player who was on a bye, and Randy
started a player he didn't even have.  Ouch!  Hopefully, we'll all recover
and get everything straight this week.  Well, hopefully everyone except Dave.
 By the way Randy, I'll see you in week 11 and we'll see who gets their ass
kicked.  So, having said that, onto my picks for week 5. 

Beth's Ball Busters (+2) vs. Rich's Rumrunners
Rich looking to rebound after getting trounced last week.

The Happy Crimson Tide (-9) vs. The Rockets
The master seeks to teach the rookie a lesson.

In Too Marshall Faulk (-11) vs The Mighty Juggs
Jim looks to widen division lead.

*****Mismatch of the week*****
The Hapless Beagles (+24) vs. Tom's Coss-Hacks
Tom looking to have first place all to himself.  No problem.

Teacher's Pets (+20) vs Gary Lombardi's Butt-Stains
Gary pissed after getting rolled by Tide, has to take it out on someone.

*****Crap matchup of the week*****
Herman's Heroes (uhhh....) vs Double Your Badd
First one to 20 wins.

Week 3

Herman comes out to play!

These comments were excerpted from the commish's response to Nick's scoring complaints.

==============================

Beagle responses (IN BOLD) to Aunt Vito's scathing comments

Uncle Vito has returned for yet another week of prognosticating.OH JOY!

Question of the week: Does a blocked extra point count as a miss? WHYWOULDN'T IT.  IF YOUR SORRY ASS KICKER CAN'T KICK THE BALL THRU THE UPRIGHTS FROM 15 YARDS AWAY, YOU DESERVE MINUS 3 PTS.  Well, yes it does(ACCORDING TO THE OFFICIAL NFL STATS) , and last week it cost me (NO, YOUR PATHETIC KICKING TEAM COST YOU)..  So much for starting 4-0 this year (YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 2-0-1).  The mistake should have been caught earlier, (THERE WAS NO MISTAKE, YOU  WERE RELYING ON PRELIMINARY, UNOFFICIAL, INFORMATION)  but why try and fix something ahead of time when there's an opportunity it might screw someone later on. (NOTHING TO FIX)  I know Dave was jumping for joy(I WAS DOING CARTWHEELS) when he found out I lost.  Of course, he won't win another game all year(THIS STATEMENT IS ILLOGICAL),  but that's another story.  Good thing the powers that be who run this Mickey Mouse league (COMING FROM A MOUSEKEETEER, IS THAT A COMPLIMENT?)  are always on top of things.  So, congratulations to Beth for winning a game she absolutely did not deserve to. (SHE DID DESERVE; WHY? BECAUSE HER KICKER KNOWS HOW TO MAKE EXTRA POINTS)

But, enough of that.(WAA, WHAA, BOO HOO, SNIFF, SNIFF) 

Here are by picks for week 4.

BUTT STAINS BY AN EXTRA POINT OVER TIDE

Gary Lombardi's Butt Stains (+2) vs Pissed Off Crimson Tide
Nick furious after having one stolen from him last week.
 

2 BADD BY 6 OVER COSSACKS;  TOO BAD ALSO IN LINE OF VITO’S FIRE.
Tom's Cosshacks (-67) vs. Two Horrible
Yeah, this one's going to be close.

 *****Crap Matchup of the Week*****
HEROES BY 2 OVER BATTLING (NO MORE WINS THIS YEAR, BEAGLES)
Herman's Heroes (-2) vs. I got my wife a win Bungles
Is there anything that can be said about this one??

BALLBUSTER, BY 2 AS JUGGERNAUT MISSES 31 YRD FIELD GOAL FOR MINUS 1
Thanks for the win Ball Busters (No Line) vs. You're Welcome Juggernauts
If there was some way both of these teams could lose, I'd be all for it.

(IN TOO DEEP BY 11 OVER PETS, (JIM IS NO LONGER OUR #1 CONSPIRACY THEORIST.
In Too The Deep (-23) vs. Teacher's Pets
No more Jamal Anderson means no more wins for Lisa

RUMRUNNERS –12 OVER ROCKETS;  PARROT, ARE YOU GOING TO STAND BY QUIETLYAND TAKE VITO’S ABUSE.  IT MIGHT BE TIME TO PULL THE GREEK MAFIA TOGETHER AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS.
Overrated Rumrunners (-16) vs. Little Red Corvette
Rockets suprise of the league so far.  Rich lucky to be at .500.
 

AND LASTLY, THIS LEAGUE IS ALL ABOUT FUN;  I KNOW A NERVE HAS BEEN STRUCK BUT TIME WILL HEAL ALL WOUNDS.  THE BEST PART ABOUT THE ENTIRE, UNFORTUNATE CONFUSION IS THAT VITO HAS CALLED OUT THE BEAGLE. HOPEFULLY SOME OTHER PASSIVE TARGETS. (JASON, RANDY, RICH, BETHANY AND TOO BADD)WILL TAKE HIS LEAD AND COME INTO THE JUNGLE.  THE MORE BANTER THE BETTER.  UNTIL NEXT WEEK, I’M OUT!!!!!
And that does it for this week.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT

=============================== 

Greetings fellow CPFFL players

    Uncle Vito has returned for yet another week of prognosticating. 
Question of the week:  Does a blocked extra point count as a miss?  Well, yes
it does, and last week it cost me.  So much for starting 4-0 this year.  The
mistake should have been caught earlier, but why try and fix something ahead
of time when there's an opportunity it might screw someone later on.  I know
Dave was jumping for joy when he found out I lost.  Of course, he won't win
another game all year, but that's another story.  Good thing the powers that
be who run this Mickey Mouse league are always on top of things.  So,
congratulations to Beth for winning a game she absolutely did not deserve to.
 But, enough of that.  Here are by picks for week 4.

Gary Lombardi's Butt Stains (+2) vs Pissed Off Crimson Tide
Nick furious after having one stolen from him last week.

Tom's Cosshacks (-67) vs. Two Horrible
Yeah, this one's going to be close. 

*****Crap Matchup of the Week*****
Herman's Heroes (-2) vs. I got my wife a win Bungles
Is there anything that can be said about this one??

Thanks for the win Ball Busters (No Line) vs. You're Welcome Juggernauts
If there was some way both of these teams could lose, I'd be all for it.

In Too The Deep (-23) vs. Teacher's Pets
No more Jamal Anderson means no more wins for Lisa

Overrated Rumrunners (-16) vs. Little Red Corvette
Rockets suprise of the league so far.  Rich lucky to be at .500.

    And that does it for this week.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!

Week 2

Greetings fellow CPFFL players

    Uncle Vito (still known as Nick from the Crimson Tide) is back for his
second season.  Yeah, I know that he's a little late in coming in, but
nonetheless, he's back.  It's still kind of early in our season, so smack is
in short supply (that's trash talk smack, not the other kind of smack).  The
only thing I can say this early is that, despite a name change, Double Two
Badd, or whatever they call themselves, are still badd, The Bumbiling Beagles
will outscore just about every team in the league and still go 2-12, and Rich
is lucky he's not 0-2.  Realignment is sorely needed, but that will have to
wait.  So with that, I give you my picks for week 3.

Bumbiling Beagles (+11) at In Too Deep
Marshall Faulk runs wild as Dave's downward spiral of losing begins.

Herman's Heroes (+6) at Teacher's Pets
Randy now regretting taking 2 Viking offensive players with his first 2 picks.

Jason's Juggs (-2) at Fighting Butt Stains
Gary caught looking ahead to huge week 4 matchup with the Tide.

*****Game of the Week*****
The Other Crimson Tide (-6) vs. Everyone's Favorite Ball Busters
Pathetic Bengal Lover seeking revenge for embarrassing loss to Busters last
year.

*****Mismatch of the Week*****
Little Red's Rockettes (+43) at Tom's Broncos, errrr Cossacks
Joe still learning.  Tom still rolling.

*****Mismatch of the Week #2*****
Two Awful (+52) at Peyton Manning's Rumrunners
Two Badd speaks for itself.  Maybe Rich isn't as good as last year, but this
week it doesn't matter.

    And that does it for this week.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!!

2001

Week 16

The Greek Beagle

BIG ASS BOWL IV

Uncle Vito

Greetings fellow CPFFL players

      Uncle Vito is back.  Well, it's all come down to this.  I think we all
knew Rich was going to be in the Big Ass bowl, but I think it's kind of a
surprise that Gary Lombardi and his Butt-Stains are there as well.  That's
fine by me.  Gary is a good player, and a couple of moves he made helped put
him there.  At least the Bowl game isn't Kress and Beth, or Dave and whoever.
 That would have sucked.  Speaking of stuff that sucks, it's nice to see the
Lame Parrot has returned.  The commentary board just wasn't the same without
you, Parrot.  As far as my pick for the Bowl winner, I think it's going to be
Rich.  I think he just has too much talent on his team to lose, but a bad
week by his players and Gary just might have enough to win.  Enjoy it now
Rich, because I don't think you'll be this dominant next year.
      Well, that's all for now.  Look for my Golden Tommy Gun Awards next
week.  War Gary, War Manhood, and War Red Wings.  Until next time,
FUGGETABOUDDIT!!

Week 15

The Greek Parrot

Greek Parrot Flies By:

So the Beagle is calling Parrot out?  It's not enough to live in The State
That Can't Count, now Parrot has to deal with some expectant father (is
Beagle the Original Pregnant Chad....?) harrassing him?  It's enough to
drive a bird to drink-- and for that, Parrot just might thank him!  Parrot
will thank him even more, however, for making a certain side bet on draft
day....

At least Uncle Velveeta has cheesed off for the moment.  Parrot apologizes
for subjecting his fellow Couchers to such punishment.  Thank goodness
Parrot can take his frustrations out on some poor criminal in court
tomorrow, otherwise, he might end up naming his next team after laundry
detergent....(-;

Parrot wishes to make one final note before launching into this week's
venture.  Attention anyone who still opposes realignment: LOOK AT THE POINTS
AGAINST COLUMN.  One division (to remain nameless) has four teams who have
had more points scored against them than the other eight teams have scored
(OK, Beth has one more, but you get the point).  Translation: we beat the
snot out of each other too much.

That said, Parrot turns now to the (ahhhhh) playoffs-- for the first time
ever, absent that Crony fellow.  Parrot foresees Juggers Nauting over the
RB-impaired Rumrunners by seven due to inability of Rumcoach to get a
backfield in motion, and Gary's Buttstains get that left cheek sneak by ten
past the Maternal Marauders.

All you Sandbaggers-- watch out for the Cossacks!  Parrot sees plundering
funny-hat-guys struggling to the top of the heap, edging out the Beagles for
the money.  Just show a little pride, and don't let Kress win the thing,
people!


Week 14

The Greek Beagle

Uncle Vito

Greetings fellow CPFFL players.


    Uncle Vito here.      Well, this is it, week 14.  This season certainly
went fast.  Some people wish the season was longer, others wish it would have
been over about 5 weeks ago (Dave and Randy).  The playoffs are all but set. 
However, I will not be participating in them, a midseason 5 game losing
streak took care of that. But, for it only being my first year, I think I did
fairly well.  I did better than I thought.  I did better than some people
that have been in the league since day one, so I'm pretty proud of myself.
Just wait until next year.  So without further ado, here are my picks for
week 14.


Jason's Division Winning Juggs (-25) at Laurel and Hardy
Even two losses at the hands of the Tide did not stop the mighty Juggs from
winning the division.

Almost Tide (-9) vs Not This Year Kress
This just in:  Kress will not win the title this year.  Also, Nick looking
for revenge for earlier season loss.

The Battling Bumblers (-53) at Tom's Cossacks
Beth goes into labor just as Dave sits down to turn in his lineup. 
Consequently, last week's lineup is played and Dave gets rolled.

*****Mismatch of the Week*****
Herman's Heroes (-75) at James Allen's Rumrunners
Easy tune-up for Rich before playoffs start.

Caged Pets (+10) at Mighty Fighting Buttstains
Gary looks to roll towards a division title.

In Too Deep (With a New Kid) (no line) vs. Any Day Now Ball Busters.
Beth goes into labor just as she goes to turn in lineup.......
Congrats to Jim on the arrival of your baby boy.

And, that's it.  Until the playoffs start, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!

Week 12

Uncle Vito

Greetings fellow CPFFL players.

    Uncle Vito here.  Just two weeks to go after this week.  Man how time
just flies.  I can't believe this season is almost over.  I also can't
believe that I've lost 6 out of 7, but hey, when you only have 3 marquee
players and one of them gets hurt, it's bound to happen.  But, I can't dwell
on it.  I have to focus on the task at hand, and that's winning my last three
games.  It's possible, but not likely.  It seems like everyone is playing
better than me right now (except Dave and Randy).  Like I said before, I'm
not giving up.  With that in mind, here are my picks for week 12.

Stumblin' Tide (+6) at Jason's Juggernaut Machine
I won the first matchup by 34 points.  That's not likely to happen again.

*****Game of the Week*****
Tom's Cossacks at Stephen Davis' Rumrunners
Winner most likely gets S & S division title (and most likely CPFFL title).

*****Crap matchup of the year*****
What can I say Heroes (-3) at Bumblin' Beagles
It just doesn't get any worse than this.

Mighty Butt Stains (-5) at The Most Overrated Team in the League (Beth)
Gary needs a win to pull even in D & C division race.

In Way Too Deep (+2) at Cafeteria Pets
Both teams just playing out the string.

Amos and Andy (+63) at Kress' "Still Alive" Kronies
Can the dynamic duo help out the Tide by beating Kress?

That's all for now.  Look for my year end Golden Tommy Gun awards after the
Big Ass Bowl.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!

Week 11

Uncle Vito

Greetings Fellow CPFFL Players

    Uncle Vito here.  Another week is here and gone; 10 down and just 4 to
go.  Division races are hot, and so are wildcard races, with just about
everybody (except Dave and Randy) still alive.  Hell, even Mike Brown and
Bill Bidwill are still in it.  I got a much needed win last week, to end my
Beagle type losing streak.  Who will be left standing when the dust settles? 
This is a big week for a lot of teams, including myself.  So, having said
that, here are my picks for week 11.  By the way, where is the Parrot??

*****Crap Matchup of the Week*****
Have a Nice Offseason Beagles (+8) at The Deep End
With both teams out of contention, the focus shifts to next year.

*****2nd Crap Matchup of the Week*****
Herman's Heroes?? (+6) at Disappointing Pets
Randy still stung over picking Patrick Jeffers.  It doesn't seem he's
recovered from the shame of it.  The Pets are a true disappointment.

Jason's Flying Juggs (-1) at Lombardi's Butt Stains
A loss by Jason wouldn't upset me too much.  Roll Gary!

*****Game of the Year*****
Still Kickin' Tide (-2) at Beth
This is it.  This is the game I've been waiting for all year.  Here's my
chance to show my supremacy against the lowly Stauffers, and to finally shut
Dave up about hearing how great his wife's team is.  BTW Beth, thanks for
calling me a pathetic Bengal lover.  That almost hurt my feelings.

Kress' Rollin Kronies (+11) at Tom's Broncos ERRRRRR Cossacks
Tom's the best team in the league, no doubt, and will show Kress why.

Ren and Stimpy (+94) at Tim Brown's Rumrunners.
Rich and Tom are in a dogfight for the S & S division title.  This one's
pretty much a guaranteed win for Rich.

That's all folks.  Until next week, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!

Week 10

The Greek Beagle

Uncle Vito

Greetings fellow CPFFL players
   
    Uncle Vito is here again.  The season is quickly coming to an end (it
seems like only yesterday that the draft took place).  After coming out of
the gate like gangbusters, my lowly Crimson Tide have dropped 5 in a row.  It
seems like my Crimson Tide is coinciding with the real one, they're 3-5 and
their head coach, Mike DuBose is quitting after the season is over.  Well
dammit, I'm not giving up.  My 5 remaining games are all games I can win. 
Unlike certain Beagles who have mailed it in, quit is not in Uncle Vito's
vocabulary, even if some things go against me; e.g., getting screwed on every
transaction I make.  The fix is on. The only question that remains, is Uncle
Vito strong enough to fight through all of it?  Stay tuned.  Now, onto this
week's picks.

Poor Herman's Comrades (+25) at Tom's Mighty Cossacks
Mismatch of the week.  Injury bug has killed Randy yet again.

Charlie Batch's Rumrunners?? (-11) at Lucky Kress and his Cronies
Rich has the division title in his sights.  Where's the Parrot been lately?

Everyone's favorite Slave Master (Beth) (no line) at Jason's Juggs
Although I've said I'd never pick Beth to win, I wouldn't be too upset if she
won this game.

Still in Deep (+6) vs. Still Fightin Butt Stains
Props to Gary for turning his season around.  I hope he catches Beth for the
division title.

Hot for Teacher's Pets (-6) vs. I Quit Beagles
I find it hard to believe Dave has EVER won a CPFFL title. 

Deep Crimson Tide (-13) vs. Beavis and Butt-Head
Huh-huh, this is gonna be cool.  YEAH YEAH, heh-heh, FIRE FIRE!!! Can I
finally snap my losing streak against the CPFFL equivalent of Mike Brown and
Bill Bidwill???

Well, that does it for another week of complaints, quibbles, conspiracy
theories, and odds.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!

Week 9

The Greek Beagle

Uncle Vito

Greetings fellow CPFFL players

    Uncle Vito has returned.  After a brief hiatus, I'm back and ready to lay
down some smack as well as a few odds.  For those of you who wondered where I
was, I sort of lost a bet to Rich, condemning me to a week of silence.  Being
the stand up guy that I am, I accepted it and kept quiet for a week.  But,
I'm back with a vengeance, and ready to go.  Unlike the Beagle, who hides
like a coward for a few weeks because he sucks, Uncle Vito will bring it
every week, regardless of my record, which isn't getting any better.  So,
without further ado, here are my picks for week 9.

Teacher's Pets (-4) vs.  Into the Deep
The best 2-6 team in the league going up against Jim, who handed me my 4th
straight loss last week.

Kress' Cronies (-11) vs. Trouble, Double
Kress lucky to be 5-3.  Trouble lucky to have any wins at all.

*****Game of the Week*****
Tom's Coss-hacks (-8) vs. Not so fresh Tide
Contrary to what Tom says, Beer Nuts division is best and most balanced in
the league.  With Tom having all of his Denver players off this week, this is
my best chance to beat him.

Trent Green's Rumrunners (-16) vs. Jason's Toronto Argonauts
Rich shouldn't miss a beat as Trent Green steps in at QB.

Fighting Butt Streaks (-6) vs. Herman's Fallen Heroes
Gary only 1 game behind Beth for Dip & Chip division lead.  Gary should coast
in this one.

*****Crap matchup of the Week*****
The Slave Master (Beth) (no line) vs. The Slave (Dave)
Rumor has it Dave will play opossum this week and lay down for Beth.  What
the hell else is new??  Dave will do anything Beth tells him, and he will
probably lose this game.

    That's all for now.  Until next week, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!

Week 8

The Greek Beagle

Week 7

The Greek Parrot

Parrot sees that his hiatus didn't help his prognosticating ability.  Parrot
cares not-- after all, in the Sunshine State, there are lots of retirement
homes to retreat to.  Parrot sees that the little tumor calling itself Vino
continues to grow, however.  Parrot enjoys a little banter; thinks Cousin
Vinny will learn to say Uncle this week:

Drooling Poodles (+7) at Staind: Greek or otherwise, it's not been a good
year for Beagles.  Parrot sees the nightmare continuing.  But he agrees
about the "offensive lines."  He finds them offensive too.

Oh the Hermanity! (-2) at Cup Check: Parrot sees Heroes trying valiantly to
salvage season; time for Ball Busting Bullies to get a little bloody nose of
their own.

Jason (-8) at Furhats: We just had Friday the 13th-- under a full moon.  How
can anyone not pick Jason under such circumstances?

Tie-about to- Dye (+15) at Rumrunners: Parrot cares not that best WR out for
two months or that best defense is on bye week.  Rummies out to make
Ty-D-Bowlers scream "Uncle."  Loser of this game will suffer the ultimate
penalty-- an entire week of CPFFL silence!

Chronics (+10) at Petters: Teacher hands defending champ yet another bad
report card.  Records by all rights should be reversed.

In the All-Initial Bowl, DT (+6) at ITD: Parrot does not see the skin winner
coming out of this matchup.

The Greek Beagle

Uncle Vito

Greetings fellow CPFFL players.

    Uncle Vito here.    We have reached the halfway point of (our) season. 
Week 7 is upon us already.  It seems like week one was just yesterday.  It
also seems like l was undefeated just yesterday.  Things are tough in Camp
Tide right now, as the mighty Crimson have dropped 2 straight, with a
possibility of 3 because I play Rich this week, and he's just killing
everyone.  But, that's why they play the game, anything can happen.  Hell,
even Dave won a game.  Onto this week's picks.  Uncle Vito received a
challenge from Rich last week.  Although Uncle Vito doesn't usually respond
to hollow threats made by lame parrots, Uncle Vito will accept any challenge
Rich throws his way.  Having said that, here are my picks for week 7.

The Battlin' Beagles (+6) vs The Fightin' Butt Streaks
Things return to normal as Dave looks to begin another losing streak.

Herman's (Hogan's) Heroes (no line) vs. Still Bustin' Dave's Balls
Do Heroes stand a chance against overrated Busters??

Jason's Supernaut(s) (-2) vs. Tom's Cossacks
Another Black Sabbath reference for Jason.  Also, he's on a roll.

Kress' Cronies (-6) vs Still on Strike Pets
Vito happy to see Kress get bombed last week, but it won't happen again. 

*****Crap matchup of the week*****
Double freakin Trouble (+4) vs In deep way over his head
Does anyone really care??

*****5-Star Game of the Week*****
Slumping Crimson Tide (+9) vs. Kurt Warner's Rumrunners
Vito proves again he is not afraid to make himself an underdog.  If Rich did
not have Warner, I would win, no question.  But he does have Warner.  Even
though I'm back at full strength, I still probably won't win.

    That's all of the prognosticating I can do for week 7.  Until next time,
FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!

Week 6

The Greek Parrot

Ohhh, Parrot never, ever, never (repeat that a few more times)thought he
would ever agree with the hapless hound, the fleabit furball, the meager
mongrel. But one thing the cur got right-- this Iversonish "Cousin Vinny" or
whoever he is seems to think he can bumble his way into respectability.
Anyone seen the "points against" column lately?

A funny thing happened on the way to the retirement home-- Parrot took time
off to get a new job.  But now he's back with a word or two about rookie
rabblerousers: "knee" and "capped."  NYC has its Commission, Vegas has its
Casino Brotherhood, and Fantasy Football has La Cosa Nestra.  The only
"Veto" anyone pays attention to is the one used in Washington.  Parrot feels
a binge coming on, and if "April Fresh Tide" thinks its funny to call
peg-legged birds lame, he should get himself a smack dictionary with two
clues for bookmarks and try to follow along.

Crosby Crooners (+13) at J. Sons: Look, Parrot's as amazed as anyone, but
reality has to come into play sometime.  Jugs about to show they're made of
more than plastic.

Tx2 (+9) at Sacks 5th: Tom's trading acumen pays off right away, as Sacks
take a break from brutal divisional schedule. Trouble owners looking for
flashlights to play WR, since Mr. Star is fading as fast as... an overridden
Veto.

2DP (+4) at Her Ohhhs: Randy looking to recover form injury bug and exploit
seams in Two Deep coverage.  Deep rapidly looking like the Marianas Trench.

BBB (+7) at Hall Monitors: Rest of league is quite glad they're playing each
other, since none of us have to lose to the girls this week.  And you can
bet no prisoners are taken.

Bright Orange (or is that crimson?) Boxes (+5) at No Tide Gets These Stains
Out: "Pocket Veto" gets to experience the bye week blues.  Stains pregame
mantra: Roll THIS!

And in yet another scorched-earth struggle, Beaglejuice (+3) at Rumpleminze:
Funny how the first of the Celebrity Death Matches comes on the Rams bye
week.  And the $20 is chump change compared to the value of the bragging
rights at stake. Italian Scallion should sit in the stands and take notes.
And just to make it more interesting... Parrot smells a side bet for the
Rumrunners' Week 7 matchup coming on.....

The Greek Beagle

Uncle Vito

Greetings fellow CPFFL players.

    Uncle Vito (still known as Nick) is back for yet another week of
commentary, inflammatory remarks, and a few odds.  Still stung over a close
loss to Kress.  How the hell does this guy do it?  Next year, I'm going to
draft a bunch of scrubs nobody has ever heard of, put forth a half-ass effort
every week, win every game 51-43, and piss everybody off.  But until then,
I'll just play along like everyone else.  Well, I guess I'll try my hand at
handicapping the games.  Should be no problem for me, since all of my
organized crime friends control all of the odds making anyway.  
So, in place of the Beagle and the Parrot, here it goes.

Jason's Supernauts (+10) at Kress' Cronies
If Kress beat me last week, then he'll kick Jason's ass.

Tom's Cossacks (-11) at Double your Trouble
This one should be over early.  Go walk the dog instead of watching this one.

Battling Bungles,errrrrrr Beagles (+12) at Rich's Rumrunners
Bungles flying high after first win.  Even though Kurt Warner is off this
week, Rich should have no problem beating the hapless Beagles.

In Too Deeeeeep (-4) at Herman's Scapegoats (Heroes)
Jim's having a rough year, but not rough enough to lose to Randy.

Teacher's (On Strike) Pets (no line) at Dave's Ball Busters
As long as Beth is in the league, and as long as I am picking the games, Beth
will NEVER EVER be a favorite to win.

Nick's (Formerly Undefeated) Crimson Tide (+1) at Fighting Butt Stains
No Faulk or Gonzalez for the Tide this week.  But does Gary have enough to
win?
 
    There, that wasn't so bad.  That's all for now.  Time to go get ready for
another hit.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!

Week 2

The Greek Beagle

The Greek Parrot

Ohhhh, that week hurt.  That's what Parrot gets for trying to crawl out of the bottle.  Nice pickin's, slim.  Make like an ostrich and go lay a huge egg.

Nonetheless, Parrot figures he's got to make it up to anyone who lost a bundle relying on him.  So, freshly returned to the sauce (after all, "rehab is for quitters"), Parrot will start from "scratch" and try to make sense of Week 2 in the CPFFL.

Jigglies (-4) at Two Thirds of Triple H: This one should be a dandy, as Heroes appear intent on winning the Infirmary Award while Jason will be in the curious position of hoping the Bengals light up the Browns.  Look for defenses to decide this one.

Fidgeting Butts (-8) at Tomboys:  Cossacks have backfield issues despite skinning last week, while Stains are looking much better on paper than they did a week ago (Parrot shudders at the mental image).

Teechurz Petz (-12) at Troubladors: Sorry fellas, not happening again.  Of course, Parrot said that last week too.... T-Pets got that Charles Atlas book this week and are looking for a bully to victimize.  Guess who came to dinner?

Crodaddys (+5) at InDooTeep: Parrot sees potential for another sub-40 point shootout.   It's just that this one will go the other way.  For a real NFL comparison, watch the San Diego- New Orleans game on Sunday.

Bustah Rhymers (+3) at Parrot's Cocktails: Beth has by far the best team (and coach) in the Stauffer household.  But she has a bit of a problem at RB this week, and Rumsuckers should squeeze one more drop from the lime of luck.

Snoopys (-6) at Redne* er, Crimson: Ya gotta love the brash rookie laying it down in commentary already.  Nick may feel like GWB talking about Adam Clymer after Week 2, though. 

Week 1

The Greek Beagle

The Greek Parrot

Awk!  Just when you though the Dimwitted Dipsomaniac had flown the coop,
guess who's back for another season of Avian Aggravation?  Fresh from a
rehab stint on Pulau Tiga (Parrot barely Survived the withdrawal), your
fearless feather-duster returns with some pointed prognistications.  One
look around the league discloses some changes-- the female population has
doubled, the canine population has been halved.  Parrot approves of both
trends.  So, in the best tradition of OJ and Ray, Parrot will take a stab at
Week One:

Bea-gulls (+9) at Her-men: Bitter division rivals heat up battle for
bragging rights early.  Tailwaggers are handicapped by the "two-ton
backfield," though, as no RB weighs in under 300.  Heroes sneak secret
weapon Jeffers into end zone in wheelchair, and manage to get one healthy
game from QBs to start the year off with a smackfest.

Juggrrz (-7) at Unscented Tide:  Rookie a bit crimson after drafting Bates,
has some talent but statkeeper is out to prove that you CAN be macho while
holding a clipboard.  Despite lacking depth (due to inexplicable presence of
TWO Bengals on roster), Juggs run Tide through the spin cycle.  Welcome to
the league, kid.

Krusties (+10) at Buttstains: Parrot finds it as odd as anyone, but he
doubts Cronies appear as favorite many times this season.  Apparently Carmen
Policy left team way over the cap, and the only players available were all
RBS. Stains get first crack at taking out league's pent-up frustrations.

In Trouble Again (+11) at BeagleBusters: Beth returns from DL with a
vengeance.  Apparently, picking first isn't all that, as Trouble finds out
what that "hell hath no fury" thing is all about.

Rumpleminzers (-5) at Deep Doody: Rummies catch a break with half of the
Deepsters hurt or shaking off the cobwebs.  Parrot's faves need to start
strong, because division is Bloody Ridge again this year.

Tomsaxe (+15) at T-Pettes: Tom has a good team.  The little apple-giving
suckups, however, are loaded.  Cossacks are treated to a dose of Sporty
Spice as league's other femme flexes muscles.

2000

Greetings fellow CPFFL players:

    Uncle Vito is paying his final visit this year.  My first year in the
league is over (and did it fly!).  I have to say I really enjoyed playing in
this league.  Since I never played in a fantasy league before, I wasn't sure
what to expect, but I had a lot of fun and I look forward to playing again
next year.  Yeah, you're all going to have to put up with me again, so shut
up and get used to it.  The main reason I came in is to hand out the 1st
annual Uncle Vito Golden Tommy Gun awards.  Some of you will probably
disagree with my picks.  If anyone has any complaints about my picks or any
suggestions for next year's awards, don't hesitate to let me know.  With
that, here are the Golden Tommy Gun Award winners for 2000:

Rookie of the Year:  Nick's Crimson Tide
This one wasn't hard, since I was the only new player this year.

League MVP:  Gary and his Fighting Butt Stains
Congrats to Gary on kicking Rich's ass in the Big Ass Bowl.  For that, you
are my pick for league MVP.

Most Disappointing Team:  Teachers Pets
Not even Jeff Garcia and his big numbers could save her season.

Biggest Crybaby:  The Bumbling Beagles
At least none of you have to work with Dave.  His constant whining about how
he scored the 3rd most points in the league got REALLY old after awhile. 
Scoreboard Dave.  What was your record again???

Most Overrated Team:  Beth's Ballbusters
Dave's glossing of his wife's team got really old too.  If she didn't have
Terrell Owens, she would have finished under .500, I'd bet on it.

Most Pathetic Team:  Herman's Heroes
Sorry Randy, but I had to give this award to someone.  Please don't take it
too seriously.  Maybe you can draft Johnny Mitchell and Chuck Long next year
to help you. 

    Well, that completes this year's award ceremony.  Remember, complaints
and suggestions are welcome.  Until next year,  FUGGETABOUDDIT!!

Week 14 Playoff Picture (annual comments from Jason your statistician)

Last week. Crunch time. However, it’s only crunch for a couple of players. The playoff picture is much simpler this week, so here goes:

Week 13 Playoff Picture (annual comments from Jason your statistician)

Well, we near the end of another season in the CPFFL. 2 weeks to go. Still a muddy playoff picture. As is often the case, as some questions are answered, more are left. Here’s the Playoff Picture after week 12:

Week 12 Playoff Picture (annual comments from Jason your statistician)

Playoff Picture for Week 12

Week 11 Commentary by Lisa of Teacher's Pets

Week 9 Commentary by Bethany of the Ballbusters

Well, the more things change, the more they remain the same. We changed a few rules and a couple owners, but my Cossacks are still chasing the damn Rumrunners. Right after the draft I told the Big Beagle himself that he and I were already playing for the Wild Card spot. And so far my prediction is continuing to hold true. However, thanks to a few trades I've been able to build a decent group of RB's. Hopefully they pan out. My only wish is that this year I can actually make the playoffs with a winning record, if I have one. Let's look at the divisions.

Also a tough division. Bethany and Gary are in the same position as Rich and I. And Lisa has the best 2 - 6 team in the league. Hell, if she plays in the Neutered division she probably leads the division. Jim has a great team on paper, but somehow manages to come up short against his opponents.

Week 7 Commentary by Jay, one of two troubles

Hello, and WWWWUUUUZZZZUUUUPPPP to fellow CPFFL'ers. 

Well, mid-season has just passed.  Any surprises thus far?  Well, let's
examine.

Beer Nuts Division:  Undoubtedly the most even division in the league.  Three
four-and-three teams (Crimson Tide, Juggernauts, and Cronies) and then one
two-four-and one team (the, um, Trouble).  Any surprises here?  Newcomer Nick
sure has raised my eyebrows.  Besides perennial all-stars Marshall Faulk and
Cris Carter, the Tide really isn't a star-studded team.  Yet, they still have
four wins, and two of their three losses have been very close. A two point
loss to Kress in week 5, and an eleven point loss to the Butt Stains in week
6. 

While I congratulate Nick for doing so well in his first year in the league,
I have to ask Kress and Jason this.  Have the mighty begun to fall?  Have the
reigns of the once-proclaimed kings of the league begun to end?  I suppose
only time will tell. 

On to my team, Double Trouble.  Is Double Trouble owned by two cheap-asses
(A.K.A. Dan Rooneys)?  Relatively speaking, yes.  (By the way, that comes
from a diehard Steeler fan, just so you know)  Does Double Trouble still
suck?  Depends on from which aspect you're looking at it.  If you're looking
at their record, then yes, they do.  If you're looking at their record from
last year, then no they don't.  Could they have a better record than they do?
 You bet.  If you look at the scores they have put up this year, you'd see
that one of their losses was by one point.  Also, they had a tie.  Had they
won those games, guess what record they would have.  Four-and-three.  Same as
all three of their division rivals.  Oh, and just for the record, if Double
Trouble had beaten Jason (Juggernauts vs. DT was the one-point game that
Double Trouble lost), the Juggernauts would be three-and-four. 

Spuds and Suds Division:  A more proper name for this division would be this:
 The Pro Bowl, A Playoff Team, the Bears, and the Chargers.  Rich, your team
is made up of Pro-Bowlers from both leagues. Tom, you have a good team.  You
have not really been "blown out" at all this year, and you have a good chance
of winning nearly all the rest of your schedule.  Dave and Randy, refer to
Commentary from Week 6.  Need I say more?

Dips With Chips Division:  I think the biggest surprise here needs not be
said.  Bethany, welcome back.  Butt Stains, you are not a bad team at all.  
Teachers Pets and In Too Deep, follow the instructions that were given to
Dave and Randy.


So what will happen in the second half of the season?  Will the mighty fall? 
Will the Cellar-Dwellers rise to the top?  My prediction is nay to both of
those.  Should Tony and I refer to what has been said about Dave and Randy? 
Well, yes.  The Cellar-Dwellers will have to hear those four most dreaded
words, "Wait 'Till Next Year."  I only know one thing is almost for sure.   A
new name will be engraved on the CPFFL Trophy this year, AND THAT'S THE
BOTTOM LINE, 'CUZ JAYBIRD SAID SO!

Week 6 Commentary by Dave, the slobbering beagle

Week 5 Commentary by Jim, who's In Too Deep

Well, MY team sucks, not as bad as Dave's, but just
the same, it sucks. But, I keep comming back for more
punishment each year. What happen to the days when
Marshall, Terrell and Jamal all wore a Deep jersey. Oh
the good old days. Anyhow, I feel a mid season surge
comming on. The team is starting to gel. Now for
business: Stains, stop crying about timing, suck it up
and put a roster together, whaa, whaaa, whaa, you
whine more than your neice. And Nick, (oohhh the
Tide.) Kress went into your crib and laid the smack
down, can u say back to back losses without Faulk this
week. Dave this is your week to get your lunch back.
My team sucks and I know it.  Someone remind who my
only win was against. Go Browns.  I'M OUT!!!!!!!!!!

Week 4 bonus Commentary by The ever-petulant Nick

Hello fellow CPFFL players:

        Uncle Vito here, also known as Nick from the (undefeated) Crimson
Tide.  Since the Greek Beagle is in hiding (probably because he's 0-4) and
because the Greek Parrot is lame, I've decided to take matters into my own
hands.  Nearly 1/3 of the season is over, and I am the only undefeated team
so far.  Yeah, I'm surprised as hell myself.  I actually have a better record
than the real Crimson Tide, they're 1-3.  I would like to apologize to Randy
for thoroughly beating his ass last week.  Uncle Vito says he will beat Kress
this week to go to 5-0.  But, he foresees his first loss of the year in week
6, when he will be without Marshall Faulk.  But, anything can happen.  Uncle
Vito says it's a joke that good teams like the Pets and the Deep are 1-3,
while teams like the I Wish I Could Bust Balls are 3-1.  Dear Beth, I have
week 11 circled on my calendar.   We all know who REALLY runs that team,
don't we???   And don't give me any crap about my name not being on the
trophy.  Just give me time.   Well, Uncle Vito has to go.  He has   to get
ready for a hit later on.  Until next time, FUGGETABOUDDIT!!!

Week 4 Commentary by Randy, the head Heroe

WEAK 4 of the CPFFL

Perennial CPFFL bottom dwellers Hemroids and Gruesome Twosome are already in
or headed for the basement.  The league elite, Rummies and Kronies are
already headed for the stratusphere.  This also appears to be the year of
the "expansion" franchise with Crimson Wave Action making Kronies and
Juggheads work for their division for a change.  And finally, former CPFFL
stalwarts Ball Bashers are also making a statement for the feminist
movement.

Now some specifics:

Rich's Rumers take the Coach of the Week Award by playing at 100% of their
capability.  Rear End Marks follow at 99% and Juggs at 98%.  Maybe Herman
should hire Cincy's coach, could be an improvement - Heroes were only 49%.
The Dynamic Duo thought they had it in the bag with Keyshawn!  Watch out -
No offense or defense next week.  Should be a "shoe-in" for Juggs.
Nearly every player on the Busters scored big!  [Editor's note: I can't
imagine what that's like.]  Hey! You need at TE - See Heriods for help!
The Kronies need to get rid of the Cincy Offense.  Or...does Kress know
something we don't know.  Why is it we've never heard of half of the guys on
this team?
The Heroes suck, period.  [Nobody else is allowed to say that]
The Redmen better get rid of Akili "Boy am I tired of being hit" Smith.
Hey, see the Heroids for a trade! (Hint, Hint)
What were the struggling Pups thinking?  They didn't play Baltimore's
defense against the Bungles?
The Juggs look real good on paper, but with the competition in that
division...well...tough times could be coming.  Thank God for St. Louis D
In Too Deep is just that.  Better check the waiver wire for a QB.  Hey, see
the Heroids for a trade! (Hint, Hint)
The Ruskies have played well, but Who The Hell is Mike Anderson?  Talk about
seeing into the future!
Who would have thought Jeff Garcia would do better than Brett Favre?  Pets
did, that's who!
All I can say about the Rummies is "So goes Warner, So goes the Rummers".

There you go, the ramblings of a all-star coach.  Not quite as "clone-like"
as some of the others, but something to read, nonetheless.  As a coach
watching his team go to the slaughter again, I can only say, thank God the
Olympics are on TV.  Synchronized Swimming is less painful to watch.

And, by the way, did I say to see me for a trade?  Just checking.


Week 3 Commentary by Gary of the Fighting Butt Stains

So far its another season of futility in stain land.
The off season always makes you forget how frustrating
the season really is! Most of you already know this
but I just can't seem to let it go..... timing and
luck are everything. it all comes down to what team
you play at what time and what player gets off
unexpectedly. luck shows up on friday or saturday when
you painstakingly try to figure which lameass qb will
have a week that won't cost you. so one week you have
good luck with 5 td's and the next week its bad luck
when you sit the one who throws for 5 tds! And of
course these decisions ALWAYS cost you the game.
If you lose by 50, then it would not matter. And
another thing,how do 2 teams score 99 points in one
week and the next week high scores are in the low
70's. Obviously, i could go on and on and bitch
endlessly.

I think next year I will learn from the master and
draft as follows: 1 qb 14 rbs (10 you never heard
of),a coupla wr's, pickup the rest of my team on
waivers and then kick everybody's ass with the lowest
scoring team in the league. helmets off to the cronies

my final thought is a little free advice: Never, ever
start a quarterback in a hurricane!


Week 2 Commentary by Rich of the Rumrunners

Greetings from the sunny shores of Jacksonville, where the only team in the CPFFL's Southern Conference plays its home games.  The Rumrunners would extend the invitation to the league to schedule all December games here, except we kind of like being the only ones with a tan that time of year. (-; 

After a whole two weeks of the season, the CPFFL world is topsy-turvy.  Teams with no business being in any games are undefeated.  Teams that went 13-1 last year prove that when the coach is an idiot, no amount of talent will compensate.  Highly-touted WRs are blowing their knees as though their name were Lewinsky.  And the Parrot is taking a temporary leave of absence to find some better liquor and adjust his equilibrium after two straight awful weeks. 

But the Trade Desk is starting to show signs of life (where's Monty Hall when you need him?), and the Steelers-Browns lovefest has been revived, so at least there's hope for a return to normalcy.  We'll know for sure that all is right in the world when the Wolverines stomp those scarlet pimpernels, but until then, I could do with a little less unpredictability.  And a few more healthy bodies.

Kudos to the new owners, who are showing early on they came to play.  And to the defending champ, who keeps on rolling like the old Toyota everyone thought would stall a year ago.  Granted, these performances seem about as logical as a Mike Tyson press conference, but they deserve mention anyway. 

Finally, I can't let this opportunity go by without a nod to the continued excellence of the league management.  Things run quite smoothly, though don't worry, I'm still looking for more loopholes. (-;  There. As Bobby (the least chivalrous) Knight said, "I guess I'm done here."

Week 1 Commentary by Nick of the Crimson Tide

Hey Jason:

        So I was supposed to go through the spin cycle, eh??  Looks to me
like the Artificial Juggs got popped.  A rookie shouldn't beat a veteran by
34 points.  Not on opening day, nor at any other time during the year.  It's
alright though.  It's a long season. I'm sure I'll get my ass kicked a few
times this year.  But for right now, I'm going to savor this win.  By the
way, the Bengals will beat the Browns this week, write it down and remember
where you heard it.  Memo to Dave and The Battling Bungles:  You're next! 
I'm planning on another free lunch from you.

2000 Big Ass Bowl Preseason Odds

1999

The (updated) Playoff Picture

By league statistician Jason, chief Juggernaut.

1 Week to go. 1 divisional game for everyone. Now only 6 teams in the hunt. 4 spots (3 if you don’t count Rich’s). It’s now the big crunch.

Actually very little changed from week 12 to week 13. Again, let’s start at the top:

Rich just keeps on winning. Although he (narrowly) missed the skin, he scored enough to be 12-1. He carries no divisional losses into his showdown with Tom’s Cossacks in the final week. Can he go 6-0? (Jason sure hopes so!)

Speaking of Tom, it’s a huge week for him. He needs to beat Rich to ensure his trip to the playoffs. A loss and he’s at the mercy of the Schlepps and Double Trouble. Not exactly the best odds with their combined 4-22 record. A repeat of last week’s triple digit output should do the trick.

Speaking of the Beer Nuts, basically it’s Kress’s to lose, and with the Schlepps up, it’s really his to lose. We can’t lose sight of the fact, though, that Kress has a loss to Double Trouble, so, as Boomer would say, "that’s why they play the game." As it plays out, if Kress wins he wins the division regardless of what the Juggernauts do. A loss and a Juggs win has him looking in from the outside. Tom’s tie leaves him a half game up win or lose in this scenario, so it’s all or nothing. Jason, on the other hand, is on the outside looking for help. He has to beat Double Trouble (remembering that DT’s lone win came against Kress’s dynasty). If the Juggs can pull that one off, a Kress win leaves him needing help. Luckily, it’s from the red-hot Rumrunners. An upset by Tom leaves Jason out assuming a Kress win. However, a Kress loss and Juggernaut win catapults the Juggs in.

This brings us to the Dips with Chips. Can this be any closer? One week to go and it’s a bit narrower. Only 2 teams remain in the hunt. Let’s see if I can simplify it a bit. Lisa is now the only one controlling her fate. A win against In Too Deep and the division is hers. In Too Deep is now eliminated. Even a win against the Pets leaves them a half game back. All Jim can do is be the spoiler. Which is exactly what the Butt Stains are Fighting for. If the Stains can beat the pesky Chihuahuas, and if the Pets lose, Gary is in. If, however, the little dogs mess with Gary’s underwear and pull off the upset, and if Lisa can’t get it done, she will back into the playoffs with a half-game edge over ITD and the FBS.

Bring on week 14!

1999 Commentary Schedule:

Week 8 Commentary:

Just a few quick observations from the GM of the Juggernauts...

Can anyone stop the Rumrunners?  Teacher's Pets had a great week in week 8, only to lose both game and skin to Rich.  It did, however, push her above the 500 point mark for the season.  Why is this significant? Because it keeps at least one team within sight of Rich's astronomical total.  100+ points more than anyone else in the league?  Unheard of.  Could be why he's 7-1 and has won 4 of the 8 skins thus far this season.  As a side note, those pesky Juggernauts have kept the Rumrunners to their lowest point total this season. Back in week 1 (before Rich was rolling) Jason's only lost by 34, holding their opponent to the unheard of total of 65.

There have been a few games won by teams only scoring in the 30's and 40's.  With a tie already this season, the games have been, on the whole, relatively close. There are, of course, the 50 point blowouts, but there have also been some 1 and 2 point nailbiters that have come down to Monday night.

Unlike year's past, the weekly skin has only been distributed between 4 teams thus far.   Looks like everyone needs to step up and have a big week.  Plus, all of the winners are from the top (numerically) of the league. Although we don't use team numbers, the 4 teams with skins are numbers 2,3, 4, and 5.  Coincidence? I hope not as the Juggernauts weigh in at team # 10!

There have certainly been some streaks thus far. The most obvious is Rich's 6 straight wins, but what happened to the Schlepps? After their strong 2-0 start, they've dropped their last 6, sometimes starting players on the bye. Looks like the GM or coach needs to wake up over in Freud-ville.  And don't look now, but Double Trouble is starting to put together a competitor. With their only win against division leading Kress, the addition of a RB could turn things around for the two-headed dragon.

Well, that's what the league looks like going into week 9 from Juggernaut HQ.   See, weekly commentary isn't so hard...

COMMENTARY for Week 7:

(OK,so I'm not a "clone" like the Parrot or the Beagle. At least this is in English…OUT!)

The League home office recently sent representatives to check out each of the CPFFL teams. Here are some of the observations made and comments heard from outside the locker rooms…

BEER NUTS Division

Juggs: "Whatever we do, we can't relax. They're right behind us."

Cronies: Lots of expensive cars and limo's parked outside, great looking women serving drinks and food.

Schlepps: Someone saying, "Now Kordell, tell me…is it true zat football makes your sink of sex? And vy do you hate your mother?"

2-Much Trouble: "Maybe we should have filled our roster with guys that actually play football!"

SPUDS & SUDS Division

Rummies: Lots of laughter, champagne corks popping, loud voices singing 70's hard rock songs.

Cossacks: "You mean we're not leading our division…DOH!"

Beagles: "Would you guys on the defense WAKE UP!"

Heroes: "If you crackheads on the offensive line would get your act together we would have a quarterback!"

DIPS WITH CHIPS Division

Deep: "You mean we're winning? Now I know we're…In Too Deep!!"

Pantloads: Too smelly - our rep had to be admitted to the hospital.

Pets: Someone yelling, "CLASS! CLASS! If you don't pay attention your all get detention. And who keeps giving me these stupid apples?"

Dogs: "Pass me another taco!"

Week 3 Commentary by Rich of the Rumrunners

What are the three dirtiest letters in the alphabet after I-R-S? A-C-L. In a season that has seen more bent knees than your local church and more strained hammies than a Honeybaked outlet, stars continue to fall at a pace reminiscent of the Perseid meteor shower.

Those that haven’t gotten hurt are holding out or just plain underperforming. The Top 5 lists at running back include such perennial all-pros as Stephen Davis, Richard Huntley, and Curtis Enis; the wideouts include Germane Crowell and Kevin Dyson. Arena league quarterbacks are lighting up the scoreboard. Terrell Davis and Randy Moss have two scores between them and no 100-yard games. Super Bowl teams are winless. Errict Rhett and Byron Hanspard fetch astronomical sums on waivers, while Joey Galloway earns every penny that flag football team pays him. The Waiver Wire has been getting busier than your average honeymooners. At this rate, the season-end split will be worth more than first place.

All this chaos has contributed to the defending league champ jumping out to an undefeated start. What’s the matter with you people in the Beer Nuts division, doesn’t anyone else there like to win anything? (-; And you Dips with Chips, you’re being smeared by the high-octane Buttstains. Some people just have no pride... Meanwhile, the nastiest battles again loom in the Norris-- er, Spuds & Suds division, where "bad blood" just means there wasn’t enough shed.

To be fair, the season is but a fetus. Ten weeks from now we may be nominating Rick Mirer to the Pro Bowl (that was a joke people, feel free to laugh- The Rick from ESPN has a better chance than Mirer). But for now, it looks like the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Week 2 Commentary by Brad of the Schlepps

Well it's pretty early in the season to establish any bragging rights but I
gotta tell you, it is pretty obvious that my team has picked up some quality
players on the defensive side of the ball. Last year we were the most scored
upon team in the league (we had two guys in wheelchairs in the secondary). We
souped up the chairs and signed signed four lineman all with the first name
"Jumbo". Look at the stats - It's working.

Even though the Beagle is an avid Steeler's fan, he does appear to have stuck
his beak into a few craws. The pre-season odds are hilarious. Too many
sophomores on those teams. Haven't you ever heard of the SLUMP?

How about the names that are putting up numbers - or better yet - the names
that aren't putting up numbers. More than a few surprises. Kurt? Steve? Chris
& Kris? You figure out who they are. I know one thing - if you went by last
years production - you may be hurting so far this year.

I am sure that there are a lot of surprises yet to come this year. Injuries
have already changed the complexion of more than one team. Some are getting
desperate already and are willing to trade just about anybody for just about
anybody. (You are supposed to stay awake during the draft.)

In closing I just want to add that one of the major reasons that the
Schleppes has gotten better is because we hired a new coach, Knute DeCenso.
As you can see, he is already earning his dollars (both of them). Judging
from some of the decisions I saw on Draft day - it might be an avenue that
others should pursue. As for me - I am going to sit in the loge and watch the
games while Knute works on that powerful defense.

One more thing - Hey Beagle - How about putting a power rating out after a
couple of more weeks. 

1999 Big Ass Bowl Preseason Odds

Jason's Juggernaught's   4 to 1 - Manning, Williams, Moore, etc....
Double Trouble           5 to 1 - DT will watch Jack.Jags, week in and week out
Tom's Cossacks           8 to 1 - Jamal and Griese lead the way
Teachers Pets            8 to 1 - RB's and WR's, Match up with anyone
Kress Cronies           12 to 1 - Cronies have nothing left to prove
Charging Chi Chi's      15 to 1 - Favre to carry load
Freudian Schlepps       25 to 1 - Beating Heroes will make his season
Herman's Heroes         40 to 1 - Tough schedule kills Heroes
Fighting Butt Stains    65 to 1 - No quarterbacks
Battling Beagles        80 to 1 - Playing for next year's draft
In Too Deep      1 million to 1 - Skip Hicks #2, Chris Calloway #3, Ugh....
Rich's Rums    1 gazillion to 1 - Injury prone team will make Rich dig deep into...

Rich (continued):  ... pockets to field full lineup each week. For closer analysis, Qb's Cunningham (will get hurt), George (will quit), Green (this guy may be productive). Rb's Allen (hurt), Davis (will find bench), Faulk (will never score), Means (will get hurt during bye week #1 while stuffing jelly donuts in mouth), Morris (will be in jail), WR-Bruce and Thigpen (pereinnel hamstings waiting to be pulled), Rice (won't last the season), Westbrook (will bang head against wall and get hurt or is that T. Green), TE E. Green (Last sighted at Canfield Fair weighing 485 lbs.)

Good luck to all.
Greek Beagle

1998

Here are the current playoff standings, as I see them:

Well, the picture is clearer, but only for a few teams. A number of teams that needed to win to stay
in the playoff hunt came through in the clutch (especially In Too Deep with the HUGE week!).  Updating
the outlook for each team, here's how I see it:

-Herman's Heroes are eliminated along with Double Trouble, the Cossacks, Pets, & Chihuahuas.
-Schlepps still control their own destiny. They need to win and they're in.
-Cronies & Juggernauts both must win and need help to get in.
    -  Kress: must beat Double Trouble and Juggernauts must beat Schlepps.
    - Jason: must beat Schlepps by more than 12 points and Kress must lose to DT.
-Rumrunners, by winning, are in, either as division champs or as the wild card.
-Butt Stains are in as division champs. The only thing to be determined for them is playoff seeding.
-Beagles control own destiny. If they win, they're at least the wildcard.
-In Too Deep, although they won, now need help from the Heroes. A win and a Beagles loss makes
     them the wild card.

-Jason

Lucky 13 - by Glenn of the Chihuahuas

It is appropriate that I give a little venom this week. After all, this is a team that changed from a ferocious lizard to a cuddly Taco siesta. From Super Bowl runner up to challenger for the toilet bowl. From Brett Farve to Danny Kannell. Oh well, you get the picture.

I knew something was up when I picked the number 2 scoring kicker in the NFL last year, and he was CUT before the season started. My number 1 QB has a great game and ½, then breaks a leg. My hopefully high ranked receiver has a good ½ game with a new team, and twists an ankle. My top runner has a great 2-1/2 games, breaks a leg and is out for the season. I fail to pick up Randall Cunningham, and Rich gets all those TD’s to Randy Moss, until…CUNNINGHAM sprains an ankle, MY GUY comes in in relief, and… BREAKS HIS THUMB!! But, hey, I still have John Elway in reserve. But, he can’t go because of an undisclosed back injury. The NFL brass, Fantasy Players all, fine the Broncos 10 grand for not disclosing the injury the previous week. The next week, the entire Bronco team is listed as injured!! Anyway, you get the point. This has not been a fun season. But, I’m sure every one else has some low lights too. Let’s see.

TE Troy Drayton hit two teams. He was invisible for the Chihuahuas for three weeks and was released on the Bye week. He promptly scored 6 and 13 points, and sucked the Heroes in. He scored 4 points in the next six games.

The Holmes boys are interesting –

The Juggs picked up Darick Holmes in week 5 ($3), after a stirring 0 for 4 weeks. He then then dropped him in week 6 (Bye week). Week 12 brought a change of heart. Darick was again a Jug ($3) after 4 zeroes and a ten spot in week 11. A total of $6 for the 4 points in week 12.

Priest Holmes was picked up by the Cronies in week 5 for $9. Talk about desperation. Just because he earned 19 points in week 4. He was played sparingly through week 11, contributing 6 points to the Cronie’s totals. He was benched for week 12, and responded by scoring 15 points. Not enough to win the week, but could have been respectable.

The Schleppes dropped their 18th round pick Mario Bates in week 4, and picked up Greg Hill, who, while clearing waivers, broke his leg. Hill scored 33 points while not on a roster, none for the Schleppes. Bates scored zero for the first five weeks, then 35 in seven weeks, including a Bye. The whole transaction gave rise to the "Schleppes Rule" permitting immediate roster moves before the players hurt themselves.

In Too Deep is too deep in defense. But, decisions are tough. In six out of the 10 non-bye weeks (in other words, a decision had to be made) the lowest scorer was chosen. However, it only made a difference in W/L in week 12.

Well, that’s about enough. But, while looking over the info I noticed something else. Doesn’t anyone trust anyone else? There were only three trades involving four teams during the year. Everything else was free agent releases and acquisitions.

Finally, the winner of the final round sweepstakes. The best #18 pick goes to the Stains – Al DelGreco with 98 points, although he was only picked to play twice. The Stains other kicker is Jason Elam. That’s one reason they are a favorite for the Super Bowl.

Well, I feel a little better. Good luck to all the teams I am looking up to in the standings, which just about covers everybody. But… WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!

Week 11   by the Freudian Schlepps

The numbers guru of CPFFL contacted me and asked me to do the commentary this
week. This was somewhat of a surprise since I have given him and the league
dictators, I mean Comissioners, more grief than the rest of the league put
together. They changed the free agent rule just to shut me up, I am sure. But
I must say that I am honored to know that someone somewhere might actually
want to hear what I have to say about the season this year. So lets take a
look at what is going on and what is to come.

First will look done in the French Onion and Lay's division. DON'T YOU JUST
HATE TIES. It's sort of like kissing a sponge. I've got to give the Skid Marks
the edge obviously, but they shouldn't get too confident. Upon closer
inspection, they are winning because no one scores against them in many cases.
The two teams that represent the animal kingdom appear to be out of it and
should be building for next year. Can anyone say "Draft Slots"? In Too Deep
(?) has a shot and is also on a streak. Hope that tie doesn't come back to
burn you.

Lets move up the board to the Idahos and Mickey's Malt division. Rich  -
Change the name of your team to Stan's Steroid Shooters. What do you do each
week? Talk to your entire team and bribe them with cars and jewelry? Threaten
to put them on the waiver wire if they don't perform. But the bigger question
is "How do you get the other teams to lay down for you." While you surely
should be recognized for putting together the best scoring team, take a look
at the points scored against you. THE LOWEST IN THE LEAGUE ! Good defense I
guess. A team from last year (Who will remain unnamed) scored the most points
in the league and ended up 3rd in their division because they also had the
most points scored against them. What's the secret Rich? Except for the
Bunglin' Bugles the rest of the teams might as well sharpen up their paddle
skills and get ready for the Fantasy Ping Pong League. By the way RJ, wasn't
it you that chastised me in this column for not fielding a complete team? What
was that all about?

The last division, The Lager Lunatics, is the one near and dear to my heart.
Only there can a team with a losing record be on top. Definitely a power house
of talent. The dreaded home stretch with Kress's Coneheads breathing down your
neck is not a good place to be. History has taught us that his trading,
maneuvering and line-up skills are second only to Art Modell. Double Rubble
(Have you seen what he has done to his quarterbacks this year?) is lurking in
the background quietly looking for a weak link in the divisional chain. This
is by far the most hotly contested division albeit the most boring to follow.
Even the poor Jugheads have a LOOOOOOOONG shot. That ugly little tie in the
3rd column could come back to burn someone again. With some division play
ahead - this race could come down to the last week. Stay tuned.

In closing, let me just say that, even though the dictators (oops -
commissioners) tried there damndest to make sure I only had players who were
in the intensive care unit or replaced by the team mascot, and even though I
have had to hire six law firms this year to try and get better interpretations
of the rules, it has been a good season. Win, lose or draw we are having a
good time. I have really enjoyed the banter between those two Greek Mutations.
I think that when the season is over, they ought to run as a tag team for
Governor of Hawaii. Good luck to all - especially those Sigmund guys - and may
the best person <-(Politically Correct) win.

Week 10

From the Front Office of In To Deep

To begin with, 2 WORDS for all of those who chuckled and snickered (Dave)
when I drafted Faulk and Anderson 1 and 2, SUCK IT!!!!!

Now that we have cleared that up, let's get down to business. Who invited
the Fighting Butt Stains into the league? Isn't there a fine for a rookie
team owners who are leading their division? And what is he talking about his
mascot being left in Chicago? I have no recollection of that event, HONEST!
And Rich, If you think this weeks loss was bad, what are you going to do
when Denver and San Fran clinch the playoffs and sit Terrell and Jerry? Ask
me, it happened last year. Oh by the way that's to bad about Randall. Dave,
who is running your front office? Why, Why did you trade Eddie George for
Antowain Smith?? That's about as smart as drafting Brian Greise, trading for
THE QUITTER Kerry Collins, picking up Danny Wuerffel, ending up with Steve
Beuerlien, and keep Ryan Leaf in the mix.
( HE'S TRADE BAIT IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED)

Now looking ahead to next week. Tom, don't think I forgot about last years
draft. Remember!?!  I'm sure you remember sitting at our draft table. You'll
get yours this week. And that's the bottom line because IN TOO DEEP SAID SO!

As we close in on another enjoyable season, it appears the championship can
be won by anyone, even by a team who does not have a winning record. You
know who you are. In closing, rumor has it the commissioner wants to
re-align the divisions next year. Forget about it, keep'em the way they are.

Commentary for Week #9 by Double Trouble

This week proved that even the downtrodden can triumph as Double (Quarterback Curse) Trouble squeaked by the Cronies. With the Schlepps jugular strangle of the Juggernauts, this makes the Beer Nuts Division a close race.

The Rumrunners have poured more booze onto the competition with their defeat of the Cossacks and have spread that division open to give the Runrunners the best record and the best lead in the league in the Spuds & Suds Division.

Dips with Chips appears to be a close race with an "anyone can take it" record spread. The Chihuahuas sniffed at the Butt Stains but came up short while the Pets got In Too Deep (maybe from the Butt Stains) and the result was the first tie of the season.

Overall, the week proved that it is possible to have close scoring with the average score slightly over a respectable 55 points. What happened to last year's 100+ weeks? Actually I like the lower numbers much better (mostly because that's where my scores are)!

Next week's schedule puts up all interdivisional matches that should prove to mix up the brew a little more and make it a close year for everyone. Good luck to all the teams and yes, good luck even to Lisa!

Tony Renze

Week 7 commentary by Jason of the Juggernauts

Hey There! Football fans…

Halfway through the regular season and some things have changed while others stay the same. Kress leads his division, which is still weak. No surprise there. The Rumruners, however, have catapulted into first with best record in the league. Perhaps the Beagle was on to something in his pre-season guesses where he picked the Rich to go last to first.

Looking at the individual players, it’s easy to see why the Butt Stains are in first – Steve Young. Talk about separating the men from the boys! He’s almost DOUBLE the total of the next QB (who happens to belong to the Rumrunners). Rich also has the #1 RB by a good-sized margin. The Butt Stains also have the top tight end. I think we’re beginning to see why Gary has the top scoring team in the league.

There seems to be some rumblings about league re-alignment to get certain teams out of the Spuds & Suds division (although said team also seems to finish near the top every year!) Now I hate to hark on the parity point, but just looking at the standings all 3 division are pretty close. Dips with Chips is the epitome of this with 2 teams in first and the other 2 only 1 game back. In the Beer Nuts, things are spreading out, but even Double Trouble ‘s only 3 back (not that I’m saying they’re going to catch Kress, but there’s still hope).

Key division matchups start again this week. Time to separate the men from the boys.

-Jason

p.s. Please note the lack of any comments on the low scoring this week (Schlepps, Beagles, see what a nice guy I am!).

Commentary for the week 10/13/98

ffffffffrrrrnnnnnnnnnnddtt!!! And Greetings from the Fighting Butt Stains GM

Week 5 by Lisa of The Teacher's Pets

Well, once again, it's time for my commentary on the league (since we're all supposed to do it).

Once again, the word to describe the CPFFL is parity.  Every team has wom at least once and lost at least once.  Even at 1-4, Double Trouble is only one game out of first place.  Tom's Cossack's have the (mis)fortune of being in the Spuds and Suds, where 2-3 will put you two games out of first instead of leading (if he were in the Beer Nuts division) or one game out (in the Dips and Chips division).  Each year, it seems we comment how much parity we have in the league, but I don't think you can get much closer than what we have this year.

The rash of injuries in the NFL and the dropping of IR as we once knew it have led to a change of our policy for picking up players.  The sudden change led to a plethora of transactions for week 5.  Is this a sign of things to come?  Will transactions (and subsequently the winners' portions) increase substantially?  Stay tuned Bat-fans for the exciting conclusing of the season.  Someone else will pick up the commentary next week.  Same Bat time.  Same Bat Channel.

--Lisa

Week 3 by Randy of Herman's Heroes

COMMENTARY:

Well, we're moving into week 4 of the CPFFL season and some definite patterns are beginning to emerge.

At first glance I thought the scoring appeared to be low. But when I checked the averages, 1998 is averaging over 3 points higher per team per game. However, the scoring seems to be lumped into half the league. Six teams have scored a total of 190 or better in 3 games. The rest of the league is quite a bit lower. Just look at some of the scoring in Week 3:

Double Trouble - 28 points

Herman's Heroes - 33 points (and they still won!)

Charging Chihuahuas - 16 points! (where's the lizard?)

Here's a complete team by team recap of the average scoring:

Now for some observations:

1. Any team owner who doesn't think it's important to go into a game with a full roster is mistaken! Especially if the missing "player" is a defense. On average, in previous years, defenses scored the third highest after Quarterbacks and Running backs. Hey, Double Trouble, Charging Chihuahuas and Freudian Schlepps, are you listening? Did you win with the "phantom" defense you picked?
   
2. What the hell is wrong with the defenses in the "Dips with Chips" division? What is this the NFC East? These teams have scored a combined 769 points over 3 games (64 points per game), but their opponents have scored 857 (71 points per game).
   
3. The Waiver Wire has been active already. People are scrambling for new players. (I feel sorry for the winner of the Greg Hill sweepstakes, whoever you are. I'm sure you can freeze him for next year. Wanna trade for Lawrence Phillips, he's not playing, but at least he's not hurt. Maybe the Rams will get him back.
   
4. Double Trouble needs to get some help, soon. They're scoring over 20 points below the league average.
5. The Schlepps have some problems, too. They're just ahead of Double Trouble in scoring, only 17 points below league average. Who would've thought with the high-power team they have on paper? The season is young, though, no time to push the panic button yet, but maybe they should start looking for it.
   
6. I think this is the first season where we've had a QB score NEGATIVE. In week 3 we had Ryan Leaf (In Too Deep) and Kordell Stewart (Freudian Schlepps) score a combined MINUS 7 points. Leaf is understandable, he's new, but Stewart?
   
7. In that same department, James Stewart (Charging Chihuahuas) scored minus 1 in Week 3, leaving the game injured.
   
8. Not to be outdone, my own Herman's Heroes, in a complete collapse of draft day intelligence, picked up Alonzo Mayes (Chicago TE) who has scored a whopping total of MINUS 1 FOR 3 GAMES! Only once has he been given the ball, which he promptly fumbled. Go Team!
   
9. Fighting Butt Stains might be wondering what they were thinking when they were offered someone for Larry Centers. But, the coach said Larry would be a "Stud" this year. Go Larry!
   
10. For those of you who laughed at my choice of the "old man and the sea(ttle)" Warren Moon has been doing just fine, thank you.
    
11. Finally, watch out for the Cronies. In case you don't remember, they got off to a bad start last year and wiped up in the last half of the season. They only finished 7 and 7, but who cares if you win the big one?

Week 2

By Rich of the Rumrunners:

Greetings from South of the Mason-Dixon, where "beach" is a geographical feature, not a slang term....

First, even though this is a football league, a nod to Mac and Sammy, if nothing else for getting me through a boring summer fantasy-sports-wise, and pre-empting some bad TV shows.

But now the Boys of Autumn are BA-ACK, and the cruch of pads on turf, the primeval slap-and-tickle of the NFL, draw the attention of the masses. The league enters its fourth season of fierce rivalry and cutthroat competition. And that’s just between Jason and Lisa!

Some changes to the ol’ CPFFL: teams change names with reckless abandon. (Yo quiero un nombre nuevo, Chihuahua?) New free agency and IR rules (glad I got Rice through that loophole while it was there!). And the web page has metamorphosed into an HTML masterpiece.

Some things, though, never seem to change: Rich can’t get his ass to the draft, Kress manages to make the rest of us look like Ray Handley (at least for this week), and the same *&#(@! divisions carry over.

Leaving the weekly prognosticating to our resident Small Hunting Canine of Eastern Mediterranean Origin, I will say that the talent appears to be spread a bit more evenly than in some previous years. Playing the right matchups is gonna be more important than ever-- hey, maybe we should substitute $ symbols for those little exclamation marks next to the guys you SHOULD have played, just to emphasize the point.....The one prediction I CAN make: The Rumrunners will not open 0-9 (but they may finish that way if I can’t find a running back).

Good luck to everyone, but not too good.

Preseason - The Greek Beagle

Super Bowl Odds:

Rich's Rumrunners         3 to 1  (last to first)
Battling Beagles          4 to 1  (close second)
Kress's Cronies           6 to 1   (defending champs won't go easily)
In Too Deep               9 to 1  (if they only had a qb)
Teachers Pets             9 to 1  (Favre will carry team)
Fighting Buttstains      15 to 1  (Qb's will both be off the field by wk 3)
Tom's Cossacks           25 to 1   (Eddie George will be bust of the year)
Freudian Schlepps        40 to 1  (Shaky defense again dissappoint(pts agst +85)
Double Trouble           55 to 1   (Tough schedule & lack of quality receivers)
Charging Chihuahuas     100 to 1  (All Rb's will be 2nd team by midseason)
Herms Heroes        Million to 1  (No reason)
J's Juggernauts   Gazillion to 1  (Team lacks Coaching, GM, and President)